sad.

My cat is dying. I've had her since i was in 7th grade. I am now way way older. Ok i'm 26. thats about...12 years? she is old. she can't eat, and she barely moves...or so I'm told. My mom gives me updates from home, as I am in Italy, and she is in NJ. I never wanna hear it.

Her name is Chelsea. We didn't name her, we got her as a gift from my little sisters' teacher. She was already named, and I don't even know how old she was then. But the thing is, she's never looked old. She was always lively and youthful...and I guess I'm glad that I'm not there watching her die. But I wish I could say goodbye.

She is really important to me. She was my best friend for so long, I used to talk to her. I know, it sounds crazy (and dorky). She had (has) a face like a person. She understood me when no one else did, and she listened. She greeted me when I got home, she woke me up every morning with a "meow" and a kiss. She even slept with me like a baby. She loved me and I loved her. And i really really really miss her. But I know it's better that I am here. 

So, now I'm on the hunt for a cat...gatto....gattino....cucciolo. A kitten. I miss that love, that cuddly, unbiased, pure love you can only get from an animal. The new cat wil have a lot to live up to, though. It's gonna have to be super special. And I'm gonna have to just go get one without telling Giorgio, or he won't let me get one. He's never had a pet. Which explains oh so much. 

Anyway, that's all I feel like writing about. I love you, Chelsea. Forever and ever.

 tears.

more tears.

fashion! fashion. fashion?

I am a Google master. I am really really good at searching for random subject matter, even when I'm not trying to. I just found this article:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/features/the-strangest-jobs-in-fashion-804275.html

I don't know about you, but this stuff seems more pathetic than strange. Is it really necessary to sink to that level just to get to Karl Lagerfeld? And this is coming from a soon to be fashion school grad and lover of fashion....but not like this. This is the kind of thing that makes me wanna go running for the hills, literally. People can think I'm too lazy and unmotivated to be a designer, and maybe they are right. But I like to think of it as...I'm too smart for that. 

I should be working on my final collection right now, and I am, even though I've had a mountain of problems and zero support from anyone at school (every good and useful suggestion given to me has been from my boyfriends' mother at the dinner table and not my professors). I admit it, I've lost hope, I lost that swing that you get only at the beginning of a project when you are really inspired and confident that your idea is great. Now I'm just trying to get through it and that's a little depressing. Especially since I waited my whole life for this. 

The other people in my class ARE like the people in that article. They are RUTHLESS. Not everyone, but there are a handful of people who will stop at nothing (even hurt people) to get where they want. And I understand that. But it's not me. 

So, this is what is me: 

1. I love fashion as an aesthetic part of life, something that makes life more fun and colorful, even if you only wear black. 

2. I have a very strong desire to teach people what is essentially good. I am optimistic about human nature and I think everything wrong in this world is due to ignorance and total lack of education, both institutional and social.

3. I hate walking into a shop and feeling a chill. I hate when the salesgirl follows me, whether to try and sell me whatever I look at or make sure I'm not planning to steal anything. When I have my own business (fingers crossed) I want everything to evoke comfort and warmth, from the business cards, to the decor and salespeople. 

4. I want love and babies, and love is way more important then moving to Paris to be a "notebook monkey". 

5. In the end, a dress is a dress, and if you think it's anything more, you have problems. 

well hello.

Whoa. I have a blog. Okay, well, let me start by introducing myself. My name is Bianca. I am American. 5 years ago I picked up and left my home state of New Jersey to be with my boyfriend, whom I had just met a month before, and who calls me "polpetta" which means "meatball". 

To be precise, I live in Florence. I love it and hate it. I've got too many complaints to sufficiently verbalize. I've been to each museum once and even then I didn't see everything. My favorite is the Bargello, in case you were wondering. 

Before I moved to Florence, I studied art and graphic design at MICA in Baltimore. But I screwed it up. I wish I continued, because every single thing I learned there in only two years has had an incredible effect on my way of thinking. 

Meanwhile, I am finishing up fashion school right now and getting ready for the final graduation show in May. I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. I am really behind with my 8 outfits I have to make. Many problems. And now I have lost faith because my school has already started promoting certain people without giving the rest of us a chance to prove that we don't suck. In fact, I know I don't suck, but knowing that the people who are supposed to be supporting and guiding me think so, pisses me off. 

Which makes me say: Do I really, truly belong in fashion? I love it, I have natural instincts for it, I predict things years in advance, and maybe I'm just ahead of everyone and nobody understands what the hell I'm doing. Example: yesterday, a girl in my class was flipping through my portfolio, and commented on one of the collections that I designed 3 years ago, saying that it was very "London right now" and in the vein of Henry Holland. I laughed. Three years ago, when I presented that collection to the class, the same girl had said, out loud, to my face, "Bianca, I would never wear anything you design!" She couldn't believe she said that and felt horrible, but I thought it was hilarious because it totally proved my point: hate me today, love me tommorrow. It's a lonely life being a freakin visionary, I tell ya. 

So this blog is an experiment for myself. I need to figure out what I'm doing! What do I love? Really really love? There are so many things that I love: design in general (fashion, interior, object), music and movies, travel, family, babies, my man. And I would love to incorporate all of this into one future. So, let's see what comes up. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

And of course the title of this blog refers to the musical Annie, which I just re-discovered. 

"You're never fully dressed without a smile..."

Which is SO true.